Can't Let You Go
by UndergroundValentine
Summary: But it's not that easy for me to say goodbye. And everything in me wants you back in my life. Can't let you go... Adam told him to stay with his family.  But Mom and Lisa pushed him forward, saying to have a good show...


This is for Tommy Joe Ratliff and his family. His dad, Ron, passed away yesterday morning. :(

_

* * *

Guess it was not mean to be_

_It's not as bad as it seems_

_It only burns when I breathe, yeah_

When he gets the call, it's a shellshock. Like someone's just taken an iron hot poker and punched hole after hole into his chest and into his heart. It's… It's not something that he can easily describe, mind you. Like… Like… Fuck, how is one supposed to feel when something like _this_ happens? It's not fair. It's not fair and he can't stop crying right now because… God… Goddamnit. God fucking damnit!

_You saw the way that I fell_

_Well, I'm better off by myself_

_That's the tale I like to tell, yeah_

He doesn't even remember how it got onto Twitter, but right now he doesn't care. He's got tears in his eyes and streaks on his pale face, and he can't stop shaking. Mom's a sobbing mess and he feels his chest tighten up. Lisa's crying too, but she's got her arms wrapped around her stomach and she's trying to stay strong. He can see that. He walks over to her, silent and slow, and he pulls her to her feet, hugging her tightly and stroking her hair. He's comforting her when all he, himself, wants to do is just cry.

_But it's not that easy for me to say goodbye_

_And everything in me wants you back in my life_

_Can't let you go_

_Can't let you go_

He doesn't even want to think about anything right now, because frankly, it all leads back to his dad. His dad… who's now lying in the hospital bed without a beating heart. He chokes on a sob into his sister's hair, shaking like a leaf. She unwraps her arms from her stomach and instead folds them around him, squeezing him. Why, Dad? Why did you have to go now?

_It feels like the dawn of the dead_

_Like bombs going off in my head_

_Never a moment of rest, yeah_

He gnaws on his bottom lip, trying to stay strong. He has to. He's… Fuck, he's got a show tonight. But he doesn't want to go. He remembers when he ran out from the Portland show when he heard his dad was sick. And, to be honest, that's all he wants to do right now. He just can't go. Not when his family needs him. Not when he needs his family. Sure, people can say that Adam, the band, and the dancers are also like his family, but he would tell them that it's not the same.

_Nothing kills more than to know_

_That this is the end of the road_

_And I know I gotta let go, yeah_

Somehow, though much to his dismay, he's back on a plane, heading back to the venue. He called Adam before boarding, saying he was on his way back. Adam told him to stay. _Adam told him to stay with his family_. But Mom and Lisa pushed him forward, saying to have a good show. They want him to be happy, to get a chance to clear his mind. But how can he clear his mind when his passion for music, his passion for the things he does on a daily basis… How can he when his father was the one to give it all to him?

_But it's not that easy for me to say goodbye_

_And everything in my wants you back in my life_

_Can't let you go_

_Can't let you go_

He falls asleep on the plane, with his hoodie pulled over his head and his sunglasses on his face. He knows there are people on the plane who recognize him, but he doesn't pay them mind. He ignores them because he doesn't want to deal with them. There's a part of him saying that as soon as he lands, he's going to hop on the next plane back home. He's not going to this show tonight, he just… He doesn't want to let Adam and the audiences down, but he's not sure if he's gonna make it through…

_Wish I could just find a way_

_To have all your memories erased_

_Cause, constantly, they're haunting me_

When the plane lands, he wakes up and grabs his carry on. He's fortunate to have one of the seats near the front, so he's out relatively quickly. He hurries through, fully determined. He's not going to that show. He's getting on another flight and he's going back home. But when he gets to the front of the airport, heading for the ticket counters, he sees Adam. Adam without makeup, without gel in his hair, wearing his Queen t-shirt and a pair of jeans and sandals. His heart lunges to his throat and he chokes. Adam should be at the venue right now!

_But it's not that easy for me to say goodbye_

_And everything in me wants you back in my life_

_Can't let you go_

_Can't let you go_

"Glitterbaby…" Adam whispers, wrapping his arms around the blond as Tommy buries his face into Adam's chest, unable to choke back any further sobs. He weeps and weeps into his glasses and into Adam's shirt. Adam's rubbing his back and whispering, but Tommy doesn't hear any of it because his heart is pounding in his ears as he cries. He's crying because his dad is dead and he's crying because Adam's probably missing the pre-show meeting or sound check or whatever to meet him here. He's crying because his phone is going crazy with messages from friends, family, and fans on Twitter sending their best wishes, their love, their little less-than-three hearts… He's crying and he can't stop.

_I can't let you go…_


End file.
